Life At Its Nerdiest

Back To What’s Familar

Life is weird, right?

I met someone new when I was just about to give up on this “relationship” idea. I thought I had found someone who made me happy, but apparently the feeling wasn’t mutual.

So I hit rock bottom. I felt like crap pretty much everyday, even when I seemed to be happy. This was something that was killing me on the inside. I made plan after plan, thinking of ways to win her heart. All stupid, all in vain.

Then I decided to look elsewhere. I met someone new and I thought everything would finally come into place. But she came back into my thoughts, the feelings, everything. So I tried my hardest to forget about her. But I tried so hard that I lost track of what I was doing this for.

So I was alone for a second time.

And then, a third.

A fourth.

Now, here I am. Wondering what am I doing with my life. Wondering why I am the person that I am today. Wondering why I can’t let go.

She’s in my thoughts at the moment. My mind is happy that she is happy. My heart however…

In the meanwhile, I will continue to live my life as I have been living it for the past few weeks.

Robotic.
Emotionless.
Cold.

Because I have nothing else to fall back on.

No one can help me. Only I can help myself.

Migraines and Women Go Hand in Hand.

I feel like shit.
What else is new?
Not much, other than my deteriorating sanity. At least, that’s what I keep noticing about myself. Everyday, it’s the same problems and worries, just different people and almost always women.
These past couple of days have also made me realize that my patience with pretty much anything is declining much faster than I thought. I get angry easily but I hold it in for myself, never to see the light of day. I just want someone to talk to but the one person I trusted isn’t the person I should confide in anymore. I can’t have her running through my mind but I can’t just let her go either. Somehow, I feel like she needs me as much as I need her.
Either that or these migraines are stronger than I thought.
Anyway, I need a beer or something to put me to sleep. Got class tomorrow.

As Time Flies By

I just woke up. I’m not used to waking up this late. And so isn’t the rest of my family. They were poking and bothering me so I’d wake up. I’ve had very little patience for that stuff lately but I just keep surprising myself with my ability to keep calm.
The first thought that came into mind when I woke up was the crushes I’ve had in my life. I looked up my first one back in sixth grade and I’m glad I dodged that one. She’s just so incredibly shallow nowadays as are the rest of them. It’s sad but I’m glad I didn’t act on that.
The last thought I had last night (or this morning before sleeping) was my current crushes. Yep, there’s more than one. But technically, they shouldn’t be in my view since they have boyfriends. It’s difficult but I have to not think of them that way.
The thought that got me writing this post was that I’m getting older and I’m feeling older than everyone my age. I may not have the same responsibilities as a 40-year old man but my mind and body aches as if I were 40 years old. And on a personal note, I’ve been feeling a sense of dread lately. Like my life is ending soon. I don’t know, it’s weird but I can see myself putting a prediction on when my life ends. I guess it’s a accumulation of my thoughts and worries that make me think all this stuff.
I have to try to live my life to the fullest. I can’t let anyone deny me that.

Implanted (or Created) Thoughts.

So yes, as you can imagine, I’ve been thinking again. But not about the finals I should be worried about, but a girl. Someone new. It’s strange, it’s a fresh start, and that’s why it confuses me so. See, I didn’t really think much of her initially, just really outspoken and opinionated. But as time went on, I noticed some things that made me think. Like the constant physical contact, the constant communication, the constant desire to meet up with me (see a pattern here?). So I thought it was something but I kept it to myself because I’ve been known to misinterpret girls and their actions. A lot.
But now, a friend of mine is starting to notice the same things as I have. And it was suggested that I pursue that relationship. It’s an idea that is growing inside me. But I also don’t feel comfortable coming in between a relationship (of course, she’d be dating someone else). It’s something that is eating me up albeit slowly: go for it or not. I’m going to just keep doing what I’ve been doing so far. It seems to have been working anyway…

Battle For The Mind

As I type this on the train, I can’t help but think about this semester. The first thing that came to mind as soon as I left my last class for the semester was ” Yet another semester completed, yet another semester single.” It bothers me. Ever since I’ve been considering my prospects a lot more, it’s been pretty pessimistic in my mind. It just isn’t quite like what I previously had for Cristina. Don’t worry, I’ve sorta moved passed all of that but the fact that I’m no longer “swept off my feet” is very depressing.
I analyze myself and everything that I do. I analyze every single little thing that a girl does, from the way they express their thoughts to the way they play with their hair… I guess you could say that the analyzation is what bothers me the most. I’m afraid of relationships being nothing but a scientific experiment to me rather than what it truly should be: a mutual agreement to care for one another in a way that friendship alone cannot do. Or something like that.
Emotion is a big part of who I am & to have it slowly disappearing, to slowly see myself turning into some robotic creature… it’s what scares me the most…

I’m terrible at this crap.

First full day without glasses. It was weird, to say the least. You know what was just as weird and confusing? My thoughts. Women can be so confusing, that fact is undeniable. That increases ten-fold when there’s a girl on my mind.
I tend to analyze things. It’s just something I do. And I’ve been analyzing certain events that have occurred, both big and small. So far, signs point to one thing. But the facts point to another. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a little tense about things. I’m gonna grab some more shut-eye to think some more on things.
Oh, and happy Cinco de Mayo. I don’t care if I’m a few minutes late.

Life-Altering Decisions.

A lot has happened in the past few days. Things that will change my life and the way I see things (literally, too). Let me start from the beginning:

• I’m getting LASIK eye surgery….

I’m sorta nervous about this. For practically all my life, I’ve been wearing glasses. To all of a sudden not have a use for them… it’s a bit overwhelming. Sure, the docs have explained everything to me but I’m a worrier, maybe a bit of a pessimist. I like to know absolutely everything in a situation, and when I don’t, it makes me uncomfortable (which explains for the 95% of the feelings in my life).

• Relationships…

This is a big one, sort of. I’ve been hanging around and/or talking to a few friends (and their significant others). Being around all of these couples… it bothers me a bit. I don’t really want to admit it, but I feel it’s a bit of jealousy. I see all these wonderful couples being happy together and it makes me think, “Why don’t I have that? What am I doing wrong?” I wish I knew but until then, the single life it is for me.

• Feelings…

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts on the above topic and it has brought back a lot of memories that I’ve had with other people. It’s also made me think of some more…stupid ideas with some of my friends’ girlfriends. I know it’s highly unlikely but I keep wondering if things were to somehow go south between them, would I be able to jump in and catch her? I know, it’s stupid, selfish, and completely wrong but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit this, so I do and I apologize.

Every time something stresses me, I find it very hard to calm down internally. Hopefully, I can stay calm amidst the chaos of life…. 

P.S: Keep an eye out for a few vlogs later in the week!

 

Me Plus Thoughts Equals…?

I’ve been thinking lately, “I hate being the awkwardly quiet guy”. Yeah, I already know what you’re thinking: “Just talk to people Heber!!” But I’m not the social type. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy talking to people, making new friends, and such but I just consider myself to be somewhat terrible at conversation (or at least good conversation).
I’ve also been thinking about the romantic part of my life. I think I have a few prospects on my mind from some of my current classes and the friends of my friends that I’ve met. I’m going to try and see what pops up; I don’t expect much though. The things I’ve been seeing lately in other people’s relationships is quite bothersome and it has definitely made me consider if I even want to be in a relationship at this time.
Finally, I’ve been thinking about this chance that I have to have laser eye surgery. It’s an idea my parents have recently brought up and if I do end up doing it, it’ll be a huge change for me. I’ve never been able to see myself without glasses (both literally and figuratively). I’ll just have to decide when the time comes…

Life After Love

So it’s another late night post. I suppose it’s as good of a time as any to speak what’s currently on my mind. I know people have told me multiple times that it isn’t easy getting over someone. But I wish someone would have told me how hard it was going to be instead. Honesty, I feel empty. I feel like a huge chunk of my heart was ripped out, put in a blender, and liquified in front of my eyes. I hung out with her today, you know. Just trying to look past the feelings, ignoring the dreams, and trying to face reality. But I just couldn’t. I keep on seeing her as the most gorgeous, most meaningful part of my life, even when friends tell me otherwise.
Lots of people would kill to go to certain places or have certain things. Me, I’d kill just to be with her. And that’s what sorta worrying. I have self-control but there’s only so much a guy can do. And depriving myself of her… I’d go nuts. All of that is what I told myself I wouldn’t do but here I am. The girls around my college aren’t my type either; they can’t hold some decent amount of intelligent conversation, nor be caring, nor be trustworthy.
I gave her a gift too. Something that I have held very dear to me for years. Something that I always looked to whenever I couldn’t picture her. I miss it but it had to be done in order for me to forget about my false hopes of being with her. But it seems that it’s done quite the opposite. I’m thinking about her even more and it’s happening as I learn more about her past, her thoughts, and her interests. She’s fragile and vulnerable and I have this desire to be there for her, help her overcome those obstacles but in a closer way than just friends.
I don’t know, I wanna say it’s the drowsiness or stupidity talking but I can’t deny that after all that’s happened between us, I do still think about her everyday.
I do still have feelings for her.

What Has Become Of Me

Dear whoever reads this,

I’m not feeling so well. I should just get that out of the way now. I’ve had tough days and sad moments, but today beat them all. And I feel that I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I live in New York City. “The city that never sleeps,” they call it. But what they should really call it is “The city that is always cold.” I don’t know anymore, I try & try & try but every time, every time, I fail. I try to help people, I try to better myself, I try to understand what goes on in the world around me, but I’ve finally realized what this world is about now. This is a world where people don’t care about anything but themselves, a world where people completely disregard their fellow man, a world where physical objects and status are the name of life, the name of the game they like to play.
And I’m afraid it’s a game I keep finding myself wanting to quit.

Today, I saw a lot of things. Experienced a lot of feelings. Created a lot of thoughts. 

I saw greed, lust, empathy, lies, & death. I felt love, loss, hatred, & guilt. I thought about my future, the future of those around me, the future of this world. And so many other things that would take hours or days to explain and even then, I could never perfectly explain them all. This is my world. It’s where I was born, where I grew up, and where I will most likely die.

I grew up always wanting to help out in any way I could. I was never the leader, I could never put the idea of being a leader into my mind. But I’d always be there to help the leader lead his followers to wherever they were going, as long as their goals & values added up to be the same as my own. I graduated out of high school with this mentality, never the leader but always the supporter. I told myself I wanted to change someone’s life for the better someday, I wanted to show the world that things didn’t have to be this way: bloody, selfish, hating, cold.

But as time continued, I began to have these thoughts.

It began slowly at first, trickles at first. They’re easily overcome by my desire, my need, to be there for someone. But soon enough, my thoughts consumed my needs, influenced my decisions, changed my character. 

I kept thinking, “Why am I the only one doing this? Why is my world and the people that live in it so resistant to help? More importantly, where is my help, that person that loves me?” I hoped that this person would somehow find their way into my life and that would be that. 

I searched intensely for this person among those that I knew and those that I just met and those among them. There were more than a few times where I thought I finally found this special someone. But life is a troll. I’ve been tricked into believing that my personal quest was accomplished. 

It took today’s compilation of events to finally realize the truth: The world will never change. There will always be people that frankly just don’t care about anyone but themselves. I realized that I’m never going to find that person I’ve been looking for.

For a very long time, I’ve been in a constant battle against myself and the outside forces that tend to the evil inside me, the evil that I am very much capable of. I’ve told myself, “I’ll never be like them. I’ll always be there to help someone. It’s always going to be them over me.” But I’m afraid the tables have turned and this has become a battle that I am now losing. I’m still fighting as I type this. The growing desires to be just another cold, heartless, and cruel person have been there since I ran away from home on that fateful March day in high school. 

I now fight a new battle. An old but incredibly powerful enemy has entered the arena and I’m afraid I’ll lose. I now fight for the will to live. I’ve seen what this world has to offer and what I have to offer to the world. And you know something? I just don’t see it anymore. That magic of helping someone, being there for someone through difficult times, it just isn’t there anymore. 
And do you know why?

Because I never got that unconditional love that I so freely gave away to those around me. Not even my parents value the need for understanding and compassion for some of my friends or anyone but the family. For them, it’s family first, second, & third. And I have to disagree: we are all humans. We all belong to the human family. Just because we were all born on different days, different places, and with different parents, does not mean that we should not care for our fellow man.

But sadly, my parents and the millions of other people in the world just don’t share this thought. Sure, there are a few people that do. But that’s all we are: a few. We are but shrimp in a sea filled with whales and quite frankly, it’s a world I don’t want to live in anymore. 

It’s the few, those very special few, that have kept me alive. Hopefully, it will be those few that keep me on this earth just a bit longer.

Your friend,
Heber A Concepcion Jr.

Thoughts at Work

Like the title suggests, I’m currently at work. I usually try to stay focus on the tasks at hand but it’s been pretty normal lately to let my mind wander. I want to make a vlog but seeing as how I can’t get much privacy at home, I won’t. It’s sort of weird when you think about it: here I am, sharing some of my most intimate thoughts with the world and I can’t do a vlog because I feel stupid just talking to a camera in front of people. I just thought of something: this blog will be a written record of my thoughts but for more simple things, like good news or funny stuff, I’ll do a vlog. Sounds like a good idea, I suppose. Now, on to more pressing matters. So it’s been a week since my visit to Virginia, more specifically, James Madison University. My best friend, Armand, goes there and he gave me a tour of the inner workings of JMU social life. It’s quite nice down there, a lot different from the city life I’ve grown accustomed to. It reminds me of the countryside in Mexico: quiet, isolated, peaceful. I can get used to that if I ever make my choice. That choice (which is my second big news) is whether or not I should transfer away from the city. Don’t get me wrong, I love the many things New York City has to offer but I’m growing fonder of the more simpler things in life and in a city that is anything but, those things are hard to find. Add in the fact that the relationship with my parents is at the point where it’s not worth it anymore & that I stayed in the city mainly for one girl (it always comes down to a girl, doesn’t it?), and you’ve got more than enough reasons to leave NYC, possibly for good. But things have changed as of late. New thoughts about school have jumped in and I finally told Cristina everything in my mind that had to do with her, both good & bad. Seeing how I was able to remedy the most worrying part of my life, it has made me reconsider my decision to transfer. Thinking about it now, I know I still have those same feelings for her & I doubt they’ll ever go away but it’s like the other type of BF that I am now striving to be: Best Friend. It’s a role where I feel would actually be best for both of us (and I’m not just saying that to say it). I’m sure when the time comes, I’ll still do all the things I told myself I’d do for her love, only I won’t be doing it for her love; I’ll be doing it because I care for her in ways that would take me decades to perfectly explain. I think that was my greatest accomplishment in life: getting over someone but still care for them. It’s no easy task and I found myself actually having hatred towards the people that I cared for. But it’s not fair to them to take out my frustrations on them. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll find someone. Who knows, perhaps she’s been in front of me this whole time?