I don’t hate you. You’re just dealing with old news, is all.
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
**Because of the subject, I am inclined to say that, in no way, shape, or form, am I deliberately trying to offend anyone and if I do somehow manage to do so, I apologize in advance.**
Now, to start off, I should probably talk about how I was raised so that it’ll all make sense. I was raised as a Roman Catholic. I went through the basics: baptism, reconciliation, communion, and confirmation. It’s how my parents wanted it. My mother, a devout Catholic, was the driving force behind all things religious. She would always drag me out of bed every Sunday and we’d go to church with my sister. My father, although he never really touched upon religion in my childhood (or went to church, for that matter), supported the idea that I was to have some type of spiritual learning. I was a child at the time; I didn’t quite get why I was nimbling on a wafer and taking small sips of wine from a golden cup. Add in the fact that I was in public school for most of my life and one may understand why I was so reluctant to be in a Catholic high school. Religion, to me at the time, was nothing more than school-related things.
Religion was to be taught at least twice a week for four years. And for the first two years, I was an excellent student. I put all of my effort into knowing the teachings that I was to know. But somewhere during junior year, I started to drift away from it. Not just the classes but the entire thought of religion. There were two things that really struck me as odd: (a) This happened at around the same time when I began to question my parents and (b) I still regarded myself as a Catholic.
Thinking about it now, I wonder: Is it just a problem that I have with authority? I mean, being the quiet kid, I got pushed around a lot. And I don’t know what clicked inside of me at that time but whatever it was, it changed me. I challenged my parents, my teachers. But most of all, I challenged religion. And this is where I am now.
Even though this is my current mindset, I still regard myself as a Catholic. I guess when you’ve grown up knowing one thing your whole life, you don’t really know what else to do. I don’t really attend church on a regular basis anymore and I don’t really know much of the teachings anymore. I put more belief in what people are capable of, not due to their faith in God, but in their faith of themselves. I’m not denouncing the existence of God; there could possibly be some higher being. I just believe that God does less than what people believe in. I realized that a person is capable of great things because they believe that they are capable of great things, not because their God is capable of great things.
“There is no substitute for hard work.”
- Thomas A. Edison
I’ve always been the quiet kid. The nerdy-looking kid. I don’t know why, it’s just always been that way.
I don’t really go out that much besides school and the occasional hangout with a friend.
Thinking back now, I’ve never really had many friends in my childhood. I just never belonged in any group of people in school.
Then came high school.
I was practically shoved into a social community. I wasn’t used to being a part of something bigger than myself.
I made friends, some are now my life-long friends.
I had purpose.
So it makes some sort of sense that this would be my torture as well. Being in that community, it just made me feel good. In my senior year of high school, I realized that it wasn’t going to last forever. So I tried my hardest for a romantic relationship with some girl. Someone who made me have a purpose. Someone who made me belong in their life.
… Obviously that didn’t work out.
And now, I’m alone. You’d think I’d be used to it but I’m not. Once you get a taste of something good, you can’t get enough of it. You drive yourself insane looking for it. You become willing to do anything for it. Drink, smoke, you name it: Chances are I’ve either done it or decided against it at the last minute.
At this moment, I am alone. I want to be a part of something big. And sometimes… I just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I could disappear into the dark abyss and no one would care or even notice that I was gone.
Day by day, I find it more difficult to convince myself that I’m wrong. But all I can do now is just hope for the best…
So I’ve been thinking lately about what I’m going to do with this blog. It has really brought me nothing but trouble.
I guess that’s the price I pay for making my thoughts public.
I almost took this down.
But reading it over, every single post I’ve written (both public and private), it just made me realize a lot about me.
How stupid I can be under the premise that I had a love (or even friendship) to cherish.
So I’ve decided that besides doing all of that, I’ll be talking about my past. Pretty much every single detail I can remember, it will be recorded here.
I’ll just pick a topic and just write of my experience with it.
Hopefully, that won’t cause more trouble…
So without further delay, I’ll get started on the first random topic: me and my social life. I’ll be posting that soon.
I don’t hate you. You’re just dealing with old news, is all.
Okay, thanks for the “constructive criticism”!
Just so we’re clear “Anonymous”, I’m not your biggest fan. There are several things I’d like to do to you and volumes of things I’d say to you, none of it positive and with not one tiny bit of regret. That being said, I’m still trying to keep things somewhat amicable. Not because I want to, but because I have to. I have no problem whatsoever talking to you or whatever but just don’t start any arguments with me; it is not a battle you will win. I can guarantee that with my life, Mike.
What has my life come to? I used to understand my thoughts. Sure, maybe only a very small bit of them but I understood any learned from them. I don’t know why I act the way I act anymore. I don’t know why I try even harder just to hide my feelings and deep thoughts. I used to be able to function without a ton of stimulants, both in foods and emotionally. Now… it’s like I can’t work properly without shoving tons of energy drinks down my throat. I can’t get up in the morning without trying to think up of people that actually care for me. Everyday, I feel like that number is dwindling. There’s always one less reason to get up and care about the world like I used to.
I thought that having someone special in life would help me out. But just the search alone is stressful and frustrating. I’m always so confused and changing my mind on people. I wish I can find a way to be the person I was in freshman year of college. I wish I knew the me I used to be…
is no one. It’s definitely kinda weird. I guess I’ve gotten used to being able to drop everything for some girl. Now that I don’t exactly have one specific crush for someone…well, it’s kinda empty but relieving at the same time. Sure, I feel lonelier than Pluto but it’s quite nice to not be spending ridiculous amounts of time & money on a girl who might not even like me back. That being said, it doesn’t mean that women aren’t giving me headaches. I’m always wondering what their actions mean, what am I supposed to do in certain situations with them, and other related questions. I think that’s just me; I can’t shut that part of me off. Question everything and think up the alternatives. It’s what I made myself grow up with and now it’s a bit of a hassle. And that sorta ties into my other problem. See, once I make a choice, I can usually stick by it. But people are unpredictable and sometimes, the things they do affect my decisions. Let’s say I come to the conclusion that I really like some girl. But unfortunately, she has some qualities that really bother me. If I think about it long enough, I’m going to hate her guts. But then I’m reminded of why I like her. Here’s the conflict. Now I doubt myself and headaches arise. Well, hopefully it all works out…
It’s kind of eerie to think I wanted to give up on life not too long ago. I simply didn’t see the point to it; why was I going to put any effort into my life if it is just a cruel place that wants nothing more than to change me into another one of its cruel soldiers? I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was afraid that I didn’t have the strength to resist that so I would have rather given up on life. Whether that meant suicide or just not getting out of bed anymore, I don’t know.
That all changed this week.
On Sunday, I realized that I matter to someone. That I’m an important part in someone’s life. And that is just so incredibly touching to hear that. But that’s not all that bothered me.
Loneliness has always been a great enemy of mine. I’ve always been searching for love, even when I say when I’m not. I just never learned to turn that off. But I realized that when you least expect it, love will find you in the last place that you thought of searching. So, I’ve ended my search. It’s time I focused on my own personal endeavors because it is in my nature to help people find happiness. That is my endeavor, among others. Sure, I may have my moments of sadness and giving up but at the end of the day, I can count on the love of my family. My family does not mean those that I am related to but rather those that have been there for me no matter what. That is the single thing that I am most grateful for.
Well, I’m off to Mexico for two weeks. I wish everyone the absolute best and I hope I see you all again when I get back!
Puppies hands down. LOVE PUPPIES!!!! :P
Lately, I’ve been thinking about life. I mean what is the point to life? What am I to accomplish with my life? I ask myself the question every day.
Every day, it’s a different answer. For the people I care for. To make the world a better place. To be able to say “I survived through everything.”
But every day, I’m proven wrong. The people I care for don’t necessarily share the same sentiment or not in the manner I care for them. The world is slowly dissolving into a crappy place. There is no point in surviving if you end up in the same place everyone else goes.
Even the world has taken its toll on me. I can’t bring myself to cause harm to others or me but it’s something I find myself considering more & more. And you know what’s the scary part? I think I can actually pull it off. So many people have placed their trust in me, so many secrets stuffed into my head. I think of hurting them because they have something I want desperately.
I want their happiness.
Either they’re dating, they’re having fun, they’re enjoying life. It doesn’t matter what they do because they all come to me to unload their insecurity, their shame, their guilt, their infidelity, onto me. And I enjoy that. I always say that I do it for their trust and I care for them but I’m starting to think that really deep down, I just want something to use against them when the time comes.
I just want to stop living life & stay in bed for the rest of my days, at this point…